My Dead Period Journal

Dead Period: 2 weeks every summer where coaches are not permitted to hold practices, open facilities, or even have contact with their athletes.

While I both understand and even support this institution, I dread it and count down the days until it’s over. It exists because many coaches would never allow their athletes a break, would never allow them to attend a church camp or family vacation, would require kids to give up so much of what being a kid is.  And though I expect my kids to run 5-6 days a week all summer, I would never require them to be at a practice 5 days a week all summer (some of my runners probably wouldn't believe that statement), but despite my high standards, I do recognize the importance of a break and being a kid with no obligations. That being said, while many athletes are relishing their sleeping-in or lazy time these 2 weeks, and while many coaches are enjoying no responsibilities or the break from the annoying kids on their team for these 2 weeks, I (and I suspect others like me) have a different experience on dead period. For those of us in love with coaching and who are blessed with teams that operate more like a family than a sports team, the weeks feel more like this:

Day 1: The Odd Silence.

A whole day where my phone never buzzes from a kid asking for a workout, reporting a good run(or bad run), notifying me of a new ailment/injury, or asking about the next practice. A whole day where I'm not sending out a reminder or checking on a runner. A whole day where I have no workout to write and no data to analyze.  It's on this first day of dead period that this odd silence is most obvious and that my usual XC noise is most missed.  It's so strange how big the silence feels. I walk around my house, not sure what to do with myself.

Day 3: I Need My Stress Relief Back.

This turned out to be a day with way too much stress(personal and professional). Usually running(which I can’t do right now with a fractured femur) is my main way to relieve stress, but a close second is the reprieve of coaching a practice. In a practice, all my focus is on the kids and the task at hand. For 2 hours I'm so involved mentally with the workout that any thought that would normally be worrisome just doesn't come up. The unease of having to do or deal with something that I don't want to do or deal with is on pause, because for those moments, I'm doing what I love and pouring everything into it. Since I haven't been able to run for 6 months, it's been coaching that has offered me the most stress relief. All these heavy things that plague my mind today... They would be so much lighter if I could have just coached my team this morning.

Day 4: When’s The Last Time I Laughed?

One of my favorite traits of all human traits is a sharp wit...not superficial humor, but that kind of clever remark that only the most intelligent and creative among us can contrive. I married the wittiest man I know. And I'm willing to bet I laugh way more than the average person. But Mark doesn't get all the credit for that: because year after year I get a XC team with some of the wittiest teenagers around. Right now, I actually can't remember a practice where I didn't laugh, and not a polite or required laugh, but a bona-fied-head-tilted-back I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that laugh. They continually surprise me with comments and banter that's refreshing and intelligently hilarious. (Yes they're teenagers and many times they are inappropriate, and yes I'll admit I sometimes still can't help but laugh when they are) How many people can say that they are guaranteed to laugh every day at their job? Not many; I'm quite blessed. And here on day 4 of dead period, I find myself missing whatever laughs I could be gleaming joy from right now. 

Day 5: Dead Discussions

This morning one of my former runners asked me for my address because she is sending out wedding invitations. It was just 5-6 years ago that while on many a run together, she and I were in deep discussions on the potentiality of her future soul mate, what makes relationships great, being spiritually ready to meet ‘the one.’ And now those conversations have come full circle. She is about to marry a wonderful man of God.  I'm reminded of how many discussions I have with my runners over their 4 years with me that have nothing to do with running. Conversations about relationships, purpose, character, leadership, spiritual practices, life in general...These are far more important topics than training and running. These are what actually help direct lives. Today I miss these conversation opportunities. Dead period is supposed to keep us from training athletes in the disciplines of our sport for 2 weeks, but an unfortunate consequence is that, at least for these 2 weeks, it also prevents us from training humans in the disciplines of life.

Day 6: I Just Want To Run!

After yet another follow-up appointment and yet another round of X-rays, I’m given the news that my femoral stress fracture is still stalled in its healing. I’m discouraged, angry, depressed, losing hope.  When it comes to dealing with not being able to run, I've had good days, bad days, and hell days in the last 6 months. Today I came close to saying ‘f*** it, I’m running anyway, I don’t care anymore.’ Yes, that’s irrational, and yes I would have run on a broke bone; I would have welcomed the pain for the chance to experience the freedom of moving my legs fast even if for just a few minutes. Today was a hell day; and though I am offered consolation from friends and family, I can’t help but desperately want to be with my running team right now.  I know that it’s some of them who would have true empathy.  Some of them actually fathom what this would feel like. In the last 6 months it has been these teenage runners who have given me the most encouragement, support, and even accountability.  I didn’t walk out the door to run today because of them, because I have to be their example, and because they wouldn’t want me to hurt myself more.

Day 8: Mother Hen

I made it through the first week before going all mother hen in my head.  Despite my commonplace claims of having no maternal instincts, I have to admit that what mothering inclinations I do have get directed at my runners.  Today is mother hen day, where I start wondering and worrying: how are they doing? Are they healthy? are they running? are they hanging out? has anything major happened in their lives? those that have been on mission trips, how have they grown spiritually? I want to check in with them sooooo bad. 

Day 10: Gratefulness

When my day begins with something that is in line with my purpose on the earth (teaching/coaching), the day turns out so much better.  It’s true what they say about walking in your purpose giving you an abundant and happy life. These are the only 2 weeks out of the year where I have no class to teach or team to coach any day and so there is a noticeable negative difference in my attitude and outlook. Today I had to transmutate my emotional states of negativity, boredom, and meaninglessness.  The best way I know to do that is mindful thankfulness: simply remembering to be grateful can change a whole paradigm.  So this dead period, I am grateful for the other 50 weeks a year; I am grateful for a team so awesome, that I miss them this much; I am grateful for captains and leaders who I trust to take care of the family in my absence;  And I am grateful that dead period is almost over!

Day 12: 2 More Days

It’s almost over, and I know I can make it. And as I think about Saturday, when we can have a practice, one would think that a coach like me would be scheming up some killer workout to see who trained on dead period and who was lazy. (If I had written the post-dead-period workout on the first day of dead period, that’s what it would have been) But instead now all I really want is a team run. I just want to reunite with the family and run(bike in my case) easy and talk and catch up. We can train hard next week. It has become glaringly obvious that this is what I miss most; not the challenge of writing innovative workouts, not the pride of seeing them perform so well.  I don’t miss their talent; I simply miss them, this group of runners that I love like they were my own children.