What 15 Years Can Teach You

Recently I was added to a facebook page for my graduating class.  It was created for us all to discuss ideas about our upcoming 15 year reunion. What followed was a series of surreal events:

First, I had friend requests from people from the group who I had no idea who they were!  That wouldn’t be surprising if I had graduated in a large class, but I graduated in a class of 72 people. I should have remembered all of them.  But I found myself racking my brain trying to picture faces to go with these unfamiliar names.  So I did what any normal person would do, I dug out my yearbook… The first few pages had me asking what the heck were we wearing??  Before that moment, I would have told you fashion hasn’t changed that much since 2000.  It’s not like we were donning the bright colors and poofy hair of the 80s or even the grunge look of the early 90s.  But it was in no way similar to current trends; how have I not noticed that over the years?  Next came the list of achievements next to each of our formal pictures.  I didn’t remember doing half that stuff!  I certainly didn’t think I placed in the National French Contest. I hated French.  Then there were senior wills and ‘most likely to’s.  I didn’t remember mine but found it amusing that my peers voted me ‘most likely to marry Mark’ because 4 years later I did, in fact, marry Mark.  And then there’s the senior survey page.  We voted ‘Baby got Back’ as best song (and considering Nicki Minaj recently sampled it, I guess it is pretty timeless).  We voted Mia Ham as best athlete(she’s still an inspiration) and Seinfeld as best TV show (they’re still showing reruns) so all in all I guess we had decent taste but I don’t recall casting those votes or discussing any of that with any of my friends.  As I made my way through the senior section of the book it became more and more apparent that I only remember about 5% of my entire senior year!

Then I skipped over to the cross country and track pages.  I didn’t remember my senior year XC team being so big. And I didn’t remember my track team being so small.  And I had completely forgotten that we used to train in boxers! (yes, before you could buy running shorts, we figured out that the most comfortable training attire was rolled up boys boxer underwear).  Shockingly, I didn’t remember most of the athletes in the pictures either!  And that’s when I realized that most of my memories from these 2 sports (which shaped who I would become) came from my younger years; I remember the older runners who I looked up to far more vividly than I remember the younger runners who looked up to me.  I dug out a cross country team picture from my freshman year. I can tell you every runner’s name, what times they ran, what their personalities were like, and why I looked up to each of them.  But in looking at my senior year picture it was completely different, who were these runners? 

My little trip down memory lane taught me 2 valuable lessons: First, in another 15 years I will be 48 (which isn’t old) and I will not remember most of what has happened in my life this year. So stressing and worrying about any day to day responsibilities seems so absurd and ridiculous that I’ve had no choice but to lighten up and try to enjoy more the few(very few) things I know I will remember.  Secondly, the legacy you carry has far more to do with the people who inspired you than it does the people you try to inspire.  I still regularly think about those older runners from freshman year; I still regularly think about my favorite teachers and coaches. I still try to live up to the standards that they set. I don’t often think about kids I taught and coached 10 years ago and I don’t even remember my younger teammates.  But maybe somewhere out in the world there are younger former teammates and former students and runners who regularly think about me.  So I’m going to keep chasing after those awesome leaders from 20 years ago who still inspire me; I’m going to keep trying to step into the footprints that they’ve left on the path, and though I don’t look back to see if there is anyone behind me stepping into my footprints, maybe, just maybe, there’s a kid whose legacy is to chase after me.

Fearless

Most of my cross country or track seasons, there is a theme. And it never fails, the theme I set for the kids ends up being a mechanism for growth in my own life.  I never intend for that to be the case, I don’t try to create it for myself nor do I expect or even look for the theme manifesting in my own life… yet it always does. In fact, at this point I think I may be a little more careful of what theme I pick (though to be fair, most years, it’s not so much me picking it as it is God revealing it.  And I guess I will try to continue to be obedient in that.)  But after this year I’m a little wary…  This track season’s theme was ‘fearless.’  And while I was calling my runners to be fearless in their training and racing; I myself was being thrust into facing a much more real and personal fear:  a fear of inadequacy.

So the timeless fear-overcoming strategies involve encountering the fear in the most intense ways (i.e. fear heights – you should bungie jump; fear spiders – you should hold a tarantula) and that is essentially what happened to me.  In the past I’ve never really found myself in a situation where I couldn’t at least be competent (if not good) at whatever I was needing to do, be it school, sports, my job, or even being a good sister/daughter/wife.  And to be honest I’ve never really pursued something that I didn’t have some confidence in my abilities for.  But here recently I’ve been what I can only best describe as “flailing.”  I hadn’t drowned, but it sure felt like I was waving my arms about and not helping matters in anyway. Sinking felt like it could happen at any moment….  Due to circumstances outside of my control, I was put in a teaching situation I didn’t feel equipped for.  I found myself clueless as to how to manage some of my CFO duties at my gym.  Things came up in my family and personal life that I was completely unprepared for.  And all of those were preventing me from coaching at the level my extremely talented runners deserved.  I was working 15-16 hour days; I even pulled a few all nighters, something I’d never done before in my entire life.  My friends thought I was mad at them; my mom often wondered if I was alive since she wasn’t hearing from me like usual.  Yet the more I tried within my own strength to juggle all my responsibilities and to perform well, the more obvious it became how inadequate I was.  However, I’m still here.  And in the same way that a spider-fearer holds a spider and doesn’t die, or a height-fearer bungie jumps and doesn’t die… I was completely submerged in my inadequacies and yet I’m still here.  And that’s really what overcoming fear is: being in the very midst of the fear and realizing you’re ok, realizing there was never anything to fear in the first place. 

The truth is we’re all inadequate. And the truth is we’re still all ok.  That’s what the cross represents.  You have no reason to fear, not to fear spiders or heights, and not to fear inadequacies, failure, perceptions, or anything else, not even death…  because Jesus overcame death.  So if you feel like you’re flailing, or even sinking… trust me; you’re ok.  He’s got you.